Bato na tak heart.

I feel like I’ll be one of those people who’d always end up wanting what they could never have. And it has nothing to do with having some sort of standard or tendency to fall for the same type of guy. Somehow it just f**king happens. It’s like when it’s there, you have no power over it and you just allow yourself to feel the pain over and over.

And I’m not even sure if I like the feeling at all, or if I just like the feeling I have when I’m able to write about it. I feel like Taylor Swift right now. (lol)

I know, though, that I’m not the only person who has been through the same mistake and never learned from it. And in this case, I tried going with the flow and acting vulnerable, for a change. But that’s the thing. It was all just an act. None of it was f**king real.

I wonder if, of all the things he said, he meant at least one of them. I mean, how could someone do that? People like him don’t deserve anything positive in their lives, including an emotional connection with anyone. I know it’s bitter and I know that we should see the best in people, but what the hell. He deserves whatever heartache he’s having right now. And I hope it lasts long.

Now moving on from the bitterness, I actually feel relieved. It’s like I see things clearly now and the things that mattered most to me before any of this had ever happened are of utmost importance to me now. Guess I really am happier when I’m alone. No unnecessary distractions. No need to think of somebody else’s feelings and all that shit. Not having to care is probably the best feeling ever. And I’m glad I got it back before anything shittier than this could happen. Ika nga sa lyrics nung isang kanta: “I feel so free… It’s like a fantasy.” (lol)

Whatever the reason for this is, thank you na rin. As for me, bato na tak heart. I don’t think I can feel anything for anyone else anytime soon. But as always, time heals all wounds. And this, for lack of better words, is just some f**king superficial wound.

Cheers to a restart! ;)

Never again

Eto na siguro yung moment na sasabihin ko sa sarili ko na "Tama na." Like for real.

I cannot live like this anymore. Where my outlook in life depends on whether or not he has time, and where I'm defending him to everyone, as if I have some sort of responsibility to do so. It's crap and I know it, but I chose to ignore it. So again, TAMA NA.

He doesn't like you. He only likes the attention he gets from you. And you know deep in your heart that that is not what you want. You deserve better. You can do better.

But thank you for inspiring me. It was the only thing you did right. Maybe that was your purpose.

I'm not going back to overthinking and overanalyzing. Because no matter how smart I think I am, this is one of those things that I am incapable of comprehending, maybe ever. At tanggap ko na yun. 

Something is clearly wrong with me, and I know how to deal with it, but I choose to be stupid every f**king time. Then again, I can't be chasing things that aren't meant for me. Life is short. Fight for the things you love, but only if they're worth fighting for. 

#charot

Preemptive supalpal

If my analysis is correct, I have what RB calls the "auto-friendzone feature", a.k.a. "a pang-tropang girl trapped in a pang-syotang body". (Lol. Wasak!)

And with what has happened of late, ika nga sa fave kong 90's song: "I opened up my eyes and I saw the sign." ;)

Maybe I really was stupid. When it comes to things like this, I just never, ever learn.

And I won't even bother asking. Bottom line is none of it meant anything. And whatever that was, I don't think I care anymore. Who am I to care anyway, right?

I know this to be true, though:

"I am not a stop along the way. I am a destination." ;)
- Blair Waldorf

So ICYMI, I'll be back to my old pointy life, and I won't bother trying again (until further notice, lol). For now, I'm going to suffer in silence. And then I'll be back -- with abs! 

Meanwhile, to the object of my 11-week crush, thanks for the entertainment. Hope you're happy (but not really).

Byeeee, for real! :)

*hibernate mode*

I am so ripped.

"The future that we hold is so unclear... but I'm not alive until you call."

Or text. Whatevs. :p

Seriously, I don't know what to think anymore. All I know is this has to stop, or else I won't ever have the strength to do the right thing. (Charot.)

I was perfectly fine playing the depress-depressan drama when you didn't greet me first thing on my birthday. (Nag-eexpect kasi, lol.) I even tweeted, para feel na feel.

Ang OA ko rin eh noh. Hahaha. Anyway, that should have been the perfect ending to this tragedy. But you just had to ruin it, by making me smile again. (Charot.)

(I'm not 29 yet, by the way. He just thought it was funny because he's corny like that. He once made an acronym for this common friend that we had, just to make fun of his complexion. What a jerk.)

He has no f**king clue what effect he has on me, so I just go and make him feel like I don't ever want to let him in -- because he can't, because it's not right, because he's my friend, and because he's so f**king perfect! 

I'd rather let him torture me with his absence than be close to him. He's been what I wanted him to be and I'm happy just being the "girl na friend", so can't we just stay that way forever? Whatever is wrong with being just friends?

We're not even close. We probably never will be. I'm used to it and I'm fine with it, because I thrive in the agony of not knowing. And you probably won't understand because you're amazing and sh*t.

Whatever. I don't know. All I know is, in the words of Radiohead:

"You're so f**king special... and I'm a creep." >_<

How do I unlike you?

What the what?!

When you say 'Bye' to him after one of those random conversations, and then you go to sleep and you get this first thing in the morning, and it hits something in you somewhere, you just know.

You won't give him any reason to leave you alone and you'll be overthinking about everything he says for the rest of your "friendship" until one of you just ruins "it".

Steven Yeun gets it. Whenever he sees someone he likes, he envisions every step in their hypothetical relationship until he gets to a point where he imagines their babies. 

Not that I imagine that with him, because I'm a cynic and I don't think I'll ever get to that point without thinking of a hundred worst case scenarios first... but come to think of it, he's got the height, and the complexion, and the facial features, so any girl would be lucky to have babies with him. Plus, he's a dork. Our babies could be geniuses! LOL

Anyway... Where was I? See? Overthinking. 

And it's not like we haven't known each other for years. It's not like he hasn't seen me embarrass myself a hundred times with my awkwardness. We are, after all, friends. Now I wonder if it was like this before and I was just so distracted to notice, or if it's different now, as I'd like to believe it is. Then again, why is he all of a sudden in the spotlight?

I know it doesn't mean anything, because I've met enough guys like him to know what he is. But despite that, I still want to read the random texts. I still want to know what he's watching. I still want to be asked if I've seen the latest Star Wars lightsaber. I still want to be the first to know what he's recently discovered about his fave TV shows, albeit all of them I've already known for years (because he's seriously THAT outdated, lolwth).

I want to be asked personal questions and then not answer them because we're not "close". I want to keep wondering what his face is like when he texts me "Good night." I want to keep making him feel like I want nothing from him when it's obviously otherwise. (Not obvious to him, but, you know.)

All I want is for him to be the mystery he's always been to me. And then, when I'm finally able to, just let him disappear from my life forever.

But then again... 

When you get this first thing on New Year's, and you hate him so much for calling you that... Oh, whatever.

How, oh how, do I ever unlike you? @_@

Are you happy now?

You tell me you want me to forget you, but you show up and prance around like the f**king poster boy of kindness. 

How the hell am I supposed to feel about that?

And it's not even that I'm still bitter about the past, because — trust me — there's nothing left for you here, and today was just proof of that.

It's just you.

Every time I see you, it happens.

You are the epitome of bad memories.

That visage of yours. That awkward posture. That awful voice. That calmness. That arrogance. All of it. 

IT MAKES ME SICK.

I don't even know why I should pretend to care when I truly, from the bottom of my a-hole, do not give a crap about you and your boring little life. Are we in a f**king acting workshop now? Because I didn't know I had to go through that. 

I'm sorry if I can't laugh at your jokes like we're the best of friends again. 

I'm sorry if I can't seem to trust you with details on what's been up with my life since — oh, I don't know... um, ever since you f**king ruined it!

You don't get that from me now, or ever. 

And you don't get to protect me from my weaknesses any more than you have the right to speak to me like the angel everyone thinks you are.

You don't get to be concerned. You don't get to be considerate.

I can handle it on my own, and I don't need you.

Gawd. Just because you're the only person on the planet who knows of the gravity of the problem doesn't mean it's yours to protect me from. I am perfectly capable of solving problems, as I have done with you — without you.

Don't act as if nothing happened and as if you're still a part of my life, because whatever it is that you've become, I do not give a sh*t anymore.

Gone are the days of my blind faith for what I felt for you.

You don't deserve it.

I'M DONE WITH YOU.

"It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life." ;)

here's to a new beginning! ;))

Tama ka, you were just a waste of time... A waste of my time and space and efforts and feelings and memories and LOVE!

I don’t care what you think or feel or say or do anymore. Gago ka. GAGO!

Wag mong sabihing may concern ka o kung ano pa mang bullshit yan. Tama ka, wala kang kwenta. Buti alam mo, t*ng*na mo.

For the first time in my life, I’m actually feeling something other than love for you. Something you are actually deserving of. 

Akala ko noon kahit di ako maka-move on, OK lang. Na kahit di tayo parehas ng nararamdaman, ayus lang basta’t andyan ka. Ngayon naisip ko, hindi naman talaga tayo pwedeng maging friends lang forever. Hindi ko kaya.

Di ko kayang maging kasing-insensitive mo.

Pero naisip ko din: yan pala ang tunay na ikaw.

Tama ka, hindi na kita kilala. And that these feelings I have are for the person I loved 10 years ago. Tama ka, as you always have been.

I was in love with the person who always did everything for me, who always forgave me, who was always patient with me, who never said and did anything to hurt me, and who gave the most fricking damn about me.

Yes that might have been true but God knows how utterly patient I have been to have waited this long and to have loved the person who was the exact opposite. I loved you despite the changes. I loved you no matter what. I loved YOU and you alone.

10 years! Geez, I’ve been an idiot for 10 years!! Frig.

However, I’ve already gone through all the hurt and humiliation, self-pity and all that crap for 10 years. Pagod na ako.

Andami kong pinalampas na chances because of you. I always thought of you and how you’d feel. But you never really gave a shit about me. Once again, tama ka: WALA KA NGANG KWENTA.

I never regretted ever loving you or having known you in the first place. To me, you were the most perfect person I’ve ever met.

But now as I contemplate about it, if I’d be given a chance to go back in time when you first asked me to give you a chance, I would—with all the insensitivity I could muster and notwithstanding the friendship which I once never wanted to lose—just utterly dismiss the idiotic idea and say NO. I won’t think of you and your goddamn feelings, I won’t feel the slightest sympathy for you, I won’t even be friends with you to begin with. And then I would have spared myself 10 years of pointless misery.

Nagsisisi ako. Nagagalit ako. Wala nang natitirang magagandang alaala sa isipan ko na nais ko pang balikan. Siguro nga isang-isa na lang ang kulang: to get rid of the love.

I don’t know how long it would take but I’m glad I’m finally taking this road towards moving on. I will replace all the bitterness with hope. And channel all the love to the people who are most worthy of receiving it. Family and friends and if by any chance he finds me, to the new HIM. (Pero matagal-tagal pa siguro yun, haha!)

For now, cheers to a new beginning!! ^_^

i wish you were here...

I wish for a time when we could talk as if not a single thing from our past had ever happened.
I wish there was a way for me to know you without risking a broken heart.
I wish you had never been good to me and had never thought good of me.
I wish we had never become friends and never concurred to the same idiotic crap we'd ever obsessed on.
I wish there was a way for us to forget that we had once fallen in love with our idiotic selves.
I wish love had never come in the way of our friendship.
I wish we had stayed friends. I wish we had only been friends.
I wish I never liked you. And loved you. And hurt you.
I wish there was some way to forget everything you are and everything you'd done.

I wish I never met you.
That way I would never miss you as badly as I do now.

I WISH YOU WERE HERE... T_T

"the scientist"

I think it's best that I stop this while I still can. After all, it's not like there's the existence of something mutual other than friendship here.

I know that you love me. And you don't want me to be hurt, in as much as I don't want you to be, either. I also know that you still care. You even care enough to still be my friend and to still give a shit about me when I was slowly falling apart and to give your doses of "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" advices p.r.n. Then again, apparently still not enough to make you change your stupid plans for me, more so change your friggin drinking and smoking habits for me even for just a day.

I guess I've also grown tired of waiting... Of endlessly hypothesizing. Of planning for stupid schemes that never had once come to fruition. Of over-analyzing those goddamn feelings of yours based on the littlest things that you tell me.

"It's such a shame for us to part..." without me knowing what lies there in your idiotic HEART!
I still love you though... Only that, I think it's finally time for me to let go. =)


THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES... =)

pag sinasaktan mo ako, yan ang gusto ko! :D

When in more ways than one you make me feel like I'm of no importance to your life.
When you never care to tell me more, simply because I don't ask for it.
When you base your goddamn decisions solely on what's right and not on what pleases you. (or me)
When you seem not to think about how I'd feel during practically every moment of your life.

When without the least effort you give me the impression that you're okay without me.
When you give me exactly what I need and nothing "more".
When you deliver those advices in the bluntest, most tactless of all ways.
When you elicit--directly and/or indirectly--jealousy within me, in every sense of the word!

When you make me think and make me feel that I'm stupid.
When you prove to me that you're always right and that I'm always wrong.
When you give such concise remarks that leave me hanging in wonderment every effing time.
When you just sit there and do nothing, and yet still ultimately give off that intimidating aura.

When you're constantly being your stubborn self.
When you don't listen to me and you don't take care of yourself.
When you go and drink like there's no friggin tomorrow!
And even when, you seem ever-so-effing-unaffected by my absence......

YOU BREAK MY HEART, do you know that?

But then again, that's you.
Whether you conscientiously do what you do to me every day of our effing lives, or not,
You give me reason to be with you more and more.

At the end of the day,
When you tell me how you feel,
When you laugh at my lamest jokes,
When you flash the smile that I so rarely see,
And when you apologize for mistakes that are really mine in the first place...

I DIE. ^^,

Which is why, despite everything, I'm still here for you.
Kasi...


"Pag sinasaktan mo ako, 'yan ang gusto ko!" (Pedicab)
Hahahahaha...


I LOVE YOU.
In every friggin sense of that phrase!

GAGO! :D

21 things

"When's this fever gonna break?
I think I've handled more than any man can take..." :D


Oo nga! May point si Alex Band at si Carlos Santana. I feel like this chuva chenilyn watchamacallit thing I have for you has no friggin plan of evacuating from my lovesick mind.
Ano ba? Dati rati naman Farmville at PirateBay lang ang laman ng utak ko. Pero ngayon, over the last 40 or so days ay in-invade mo na rin ang sabaw at sabog kong damdamin.

Baliw na nga ata ako... :D
Ikaw kasi, lalapit lapit ka! E hindi naman kita tinatawag. E kung ikaw kaya ang maulanan ng ganitong mga moments kung di ka rin mabaliw (or in the very least, makaramdam ng KURUG. Hahahaha!)


So, eto na nga.

21 Things I Like About You...

(1) The sparkle in your eyes when you say "those words" (by way of a JOKE of course)
(2) That signature "pa-kyut-pero-di-man-naangay" look that you have each time you tease yourself to me. :D
(3) The way your eyes take on a dreamy aura when you come to school late because of the usual hangover.
(4) The mere fact that we're always the last two people to sign the attendance sheet of Group 21 on account of we're seriously THAT delinquent. :D
(5) The jitter it brings with the mere mention of your family name next to that of mine during our roll-call attendances. (How LAME could I get? Haha!)
(6) The sheer pleasure I come to have when you tell me that I'm your "IDOL". Yet, when you diminish the value of what you just said when you suddenly tell me: "pero idol ko la ikaw kay pirmi ka nag-iinabsent..." LoL!
(7) That uniquely green tone to your voice when you call me "MONS" :D (bungaw!)
(8) The indecency and informality of the context with which you ask me out. (AS IF! ;D)
(9) The numerous instances that I catch you staring from my back (and only because you had the impression that my peripheral vision is also impaired. Haha!)
(10) The seemingly wholesome manner by which you grab my shoulder, my elbow, or my HAND(!) when you stop me from bumping onto something. (*sigh*)
(11) The way you sneak up on me at the most unexpected moments and the unusually charming nature of that smile you flash which so severely haunts my most girlish dreams! (Naman! =D)
(12) The contemplative look you have when you read that Med-Surg book.
(13) The weirdest ways through which fate showers upon us these circumstances that keep us stuck together. (For educational purposes only, of course. :D)
(14) That "cute" (for lack of a word) moment at the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit when we shared one working space to bathe, as it were, our neonates. P.S. And we+those babies soooo seemed like one big happy family. Bwahahaha!
(15) That "sobrang cheesy" moment on our way home from Pastrana (where we had our community service class) when you shouted "those words" as I went off the jeep and was crossing the highway. P.S. And the konduktor seriously thought that we were going out or something. (What the... xD)
(16) That distinctly round figure that makes me recognize you from afar even without my glasses. ("Basta kumita ka hin daku nga figure, ako na ito." Hahahaha!)
(17) The positive remarks that I get, ironically in response to the insults I have for you. ("Grabe, I'm enjoying your company..." - reply niya when I said "Harhar..." in response to his joke. Bwahaha! Kay KORNI liwat!)
(18) The numerous times that you praise me for my work and express your gratitude that I am your partner and that we are groupmates and that you wish we belonged to the same group forever. (as if liwat they were genuine. Bwahaha. PLASTIK! ;D)
(19) The mere fact that you laugh at my jokes, no matter the intellectual meaning involved within them. And the way you constantly remind me that I'm "matamayun". Bwahahaha! Magkaiba kasi talaga tayo, dude. =D
(20) Those moments we had when everyone else in the group had gone, and you sit by me, and we do nothing, and you utter nothing else but "ANO KA?" each time our eyes would meet. :D

(21) And lastly, for the compatibility of our personalities. Seriously, except for the fact that you are KIND and I am NOT, we really have a lot in common:

We're both CLASS-CUTTERS.
We're both CLOWNS.
We're both PORN ADVOCATES. =D
We're both SABOG most of the time.
And we both HATE EACH OTHER!

What I'm really trying to say is that I'm thankful that I met you. And since there's only a little less than two weeks before this watchamacallit thing comes to an end.
Well...

AT LEAST I HAVE THESE MEMORIES... =)

words...

The last 48 hours of this ding-blasted week would have completely sucked if it weren't for you.

Thank you. :)

For concurring with my rage against those people whom we both love to hate.
For appreciating my weirdest liking for Ben 10. (And for having the weirdest liking for him as well. :D)
For the most updated green jokes I have ever heard. >D
For fanning my face when you saw me perspiring.
(And for doing so with the use of your hanky. ^^,)
For sticking with me despite the fact that I seem to enjoy ignoring you.
And, I still can't believe I'm about to say this, but...

Thanks for just being there. :)

Nevertheless, I still hate it when you begin to act like we're the best of friends. (Because we're sooo NOT.)
CHURA!!! =P


P.S.
Please stop telling me things that you're not supposed to say.
Because as of this moment,

I am madly wishing those words weren't just words.....

i hate you... =)

Okay, so let's scratch that last post. I didn't exactly mean all of it; some of it were really CRAP, especially that last part where I said I HATE YOU. I mean, I hate you all right, but I don't really hate you hate you, "you know?" :D
In fact, having been graced by your presence today, I realized that you weren't so bad, you were just a bit cocky on our first "personal encounter."
For someone who has managed to irk me to the core, you really have your way with retaliating.

So you weren't so nice and submissive; in fact, you were even more annoying and more sarcastic and more overbearing than ever. Grr!
But still, as I was saying, you got your way with it.

So we weren't BFF's and we rarely agreed on anything.
But still, at the end of the day, we had agreed to one bit of detail: that we were both GREAT at what we were doing. Hahahaha. xD

We didn't exactly jive, so to speak. We were even throwing nasty remarks every now and then as if to say our mere collaboration has become such a nuisance that we couldn't wait for this stupid project to be over so we could get on with our lives as if this "togetherness" had never happened.
You went on and on annoying me with such lame questions as if to challenge my apprehension on the subject matter. And I replied ever-so-matter-of-factly just so I could annoy you that much that you had to stop. Hah!
But then again, after every argument comes the sincerest desire to know something other than the subject matter. Something as lame perhaps as details on our personal lives.
But still, WE ARE NOT FRIENDS, okay?

So. I could not help but notice those flabby fats ever-so-evident on that integument of yours, plus that nauseating smoke-ish breath as usual. And you couldn't help but be annoyed by that irksome smile on my face that seems to come off reflexively each time you utter some seriously impressive fact that I had failed to remember.

And so we talked and talked until both of us understood the why's and wherefore's of our strange manners and mannerisms. And miraculously, we shared one peaceful moment. For a friggin while, that is.

Yet now I have one bit of confession to make.
When we were blurting out the worst forms of verbal abuse against each other, I seriously felt HAPPY!
Maybe we're both just schizos.
Or maybe because I felt that YOU & I could actually be really good friends, so long as we engage in these arguments for the rest of our lives.
Half the time I was impressed that you took the time to read on the topic. That was really very unusual of you. (Makes me want to think that you made me want to think that you were smart or something. Hah, nice try, doofus! ;p)

And now I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I actually think you're cool. In a PRICKLY, LOATHSOME, and EVIL sort of way. BLEH! ;p

I hate you.And yet... =)

GAGO!

^_^

Halos mawalan na yata ako ng mata sa kakatawa.
Ikaw kasi. GAGO ka!

Bakit mo'ko sinamahan sa lahat ng places na dapat kong puntahan without a friggin hint na man lang of notice that ONLY YOU were coming with me?
GAGO.

Bakit pag may nakakita sa'tin na magkasama at nagtanong kung sino ako, sinasagot mo casually and ever-so-pahalically ng: "UYAB KO"... :D

At bakit pag tinatanong ka kung sa'n tayo papunta, sinasagot mo ulit with that sarcastic tone of yours: "Magde-date gad. Obvious ba?"
Hahahaha... GAGO.

And why am I even making such a friggin big deal out of this?
Ugh! GAGO ka.

You don't have a friggin idea how long I've longed to be held on my hair, on my shoulder, on my back, and... ON MY HAND.
By YOU...

How I longed to be stuck with you for even just a minute.
And now that it's finally happening, it feels so friggin surreal. :(

Hindi ko na ma-take ang mga pangyayari...

Hindi ko ma-take because I feel like I'm having a friggin good time with you.
And I seem to be wishing that this doesn't end.
And yet...

I feel like this isn't right. 

I swear, I won't give in to any of this.
I LIKE YOU and all. But only as a friend.
Dahil GAGO ka.
At ayaw na kitang makasama.
GAGO!

T_T

binabawi ko na yun... pramis! T_T

If it gives you any consolation, I want you to know that I already am beginning to loathe this feeling.
Of being caught in the aftermath of conscientiously hurting somebody.
Especially if that somebody was the last person on earth whose feelings I'd want to hurt at this very moment! T_T

If I could only tell you that it's YOU...

Haaay... HERE I GO AGAIN.
Pretending to think he's just a waste of time when in fact, these last few days, he's already been "the voice inside my head."
Pretending to be annoyed by his super-corny KSP jokes when all the while, all I ever wanted was for him to notice me.
Pretending to ignore those sweet gestures and frowning at the onset of our "loveteam moments" when truth is, I shiver at the thought of us being a real "US" in the near future. :D (ASA!)
And once again, distancing myself for fear of the many probable things the two of us could end up with, when it's really him whom I daydream about when I see chubby flabby guys on the street who, in one way or another, look like him.

I rewind every little thing you do for me, and for the nth time, HYPOTHESIZE.

You sing my fave mushy tunes in the most unexpected moments. (And to think you had no way of knowing I liked them!)
You help me out when my terror teacher tries to bully me.
You're always the first to know when something's wrong with me.
You fetch me my spoon and fork when you see that I still have none. (*sigh* ^^,)
You make sure that I'm "well ventilated." :D
And... You even had the guts to teach me the meaning of the word "CONCISE"! (Aba'y akalain mo yun! =D)

I rarely feel like this towards anyone, but I'm already beginning to think that you're my HERO. ^_^
Mabait ka lang ba talaga, o nagbabait-baitan ka lang? :p

You talk to me when I'm alone.
You tell me you miss me at least once a day. :D
And cheesiest of all, you call me by the corniest term of endearment I could possibly imagine: BABE. (^^,)
Hahahaha!! Sa dinami-dami ng pwedeng maka-labtim, ako pa ang napili mong pag-tripan. GAGO!

Pero di nga...

I'm sorry if my stupid mouth has failed to tell you that you're AMAZING.
It could do really stupid things especially when I'm around you.
It didn't mean what it said.
It just wants you back, at least back to one, when we were still talking. =(

I just hope it's not too late.
It's gonna be hard to see you everyday and pretend to not like you, over and over and over again... T_T

i like you like you! ^_^

This time you really did it, BIG FRIGGIN TIME. :D
And I'm quite sure that this won't be just a passing fancy.
Ika nga ni SWEET: "This is it!!" >D
It's like the more "dimensions" I discover from your extraordinary personality (not to mention your ever-so-sensationalized SEXUALITY!), the more convinced I am that you truly are ONE of a KIND. And come to think of it, you really are ONLY HUMAN.
And I don't friggin care what others think and presume you are. What do they care, really??

Alam ko namang KORNI ka, pero at least may SENSE of HUMOR ka diba? :D
Alam ko ring minsan O.A. ka up to the point na nilaladlad mo na ang iyong TRUE COLORS, pero at least GENUINE ka diba? :D
Minsan di ko rin maintindihan kung ano ka nga ba talaga, pero in fairness, meron ka nung tinatawag nilang "ANDROGYNY" kasi you're in touch with both your feminine and masculine sides. "O di ba?" :D
Minsan din ay nami-misinterpret ng iba ang actions mo, pero alam naming mga nakakakilala sayo na talagang CONCERNED ka lang naman talaga diba? =)
And lastly, kung wala ka nito, di ko na alam kung magkakaroon pa kaya ako ng sinasabi nilang IDOL-SLASH-ROLE-MODEL COMPLEX towards you. (Hah, tim nawung! =p)

You are a GEEK at heart. And yet, ang simple mong mag-isip. At dahil dun, I don't just like you.
I LIKE YOU LIKE YOU! ^_^

Hoy bakla! Hindi kita crush noh! Chura! :p

Balit, seriously...
PLEASE NEVER, EVER CHANGE.

Because someone as UNIQUE as you is truly one of God's most precious MIRACLES.
You don't just inspire me; you elicit change deep within me like an "immovable force" that's bound to stay for the rest of my days. :)

THANK YOU.
For everything. :D

as if...

I fear that the more we get to see each other, the more reasons there will be for you to realize that I'm a mere CRAP.
I fear that the next time we do "see" each other again, I'd run out of things to say and then all over again, it would seem like I'm the one who's ignoring you.
I fear that this "friendship" would slowly end in oblivion and then the once wacky conversations that we had would end up in awkward bullness.

I want to be with you but I'm just too afraid to even say yes.

I fear a lot of things, one of which is the fear of crying like shit all over again.
The fear of being said the most hurtful and the most hopeful things at the same time.
Of being left with pitiable shittyness the moment you lose all hope.
The fear that the feeling of being in love would swallow me whole and envelop me like some semi-permeable membrane, allowing the passage of one and only one type of substance: YOU.

Daydreaming.
Ranting.
Waiting...

That's all I could ever do.
Blame me all you want, but it still won't change the fact that we can't be together, at least not in a zillion years.
There's nothing left to do, really.
But recount our never-ending love chase, pretend to still be in it, as if it were a love story that actually existed...

since i don't have you...

You know what I'd desperately want to do right now? Make a CLONE of you, including everything I love, like, adore, desire(!), as well as everything I despise about YOU -- e.g. your beautiful eyes that make my heart melt everytime you see through me -- and place him right beside me so that I would never have to miss YOU and your toxic presence ever again.

I'm so f**king caught between trying so hard to forget you and being contentedly happy with just dwelling on our "memories." Pictures of you (when we were still an "US") on my mind are just so f**king perfect that I dare not try to miss each moment even if it means being insanely fixated on a mere MEMORY... A fantasy, a daydream, a crappy suntok-sa-buwan-na-pangarap. SHET!!

If somebody could just ever replace you and everything you do to me! Then I'd never have to be ranting about these again... But deep inside, I know. There could never be anyone as PATIENT, as KIND, as INTELLIGENT, as COOL, as ARROGANT, as PLAYFUL, as SEXY, and as HANDSOME (err.. haha!) as the only person that I've ever truly loved. That is, YOU. How, oh how, did we ever end up like this? Everything sucks, "since I don't have you." Everything f**king sucks...


"Now I know that I did something wrong 'cause I MISS YOU..." T_T

ode to the dark

The stillness of night invites me to linger
Within this gift of solitude we're given
A lustful realm of malice--a haven
Of wildest schemes I could only dream ever!

The dimness enchanting, conniving with moonlight,
Revealing that visage I've hungered to see
And those lips--God, those LIPS!--exist just to tempt me
Of this urge to explore more of you tonight...

The cool breezy air entwines that sweet scent
From thy breath... Now I've been helpless, yet gladly I give in
To seek through all means thy warmth from within.
And at long, long last here comes: our opportune moment...

Every inch of you now seems heavenly
As every strength left of me burns with agony...
From the profoundest longing to be with you
And tonight, here in the dark... To TOUCH you. =D

seven years

I am but a shadow--of YOU, my love...
Ever so close, yet hopelessly so far.
Like the crater is to a shooting star,
Just there--waiting--to catch you from above.
Your merest glimpse was all I'd ever need
To fathom thus the gravest sin I know:
That's being a GIT, for letting you go.
For love's both a gift and a curse indeed:
Your mem'ry leaves me with nothing but bliss
Yet clear as that face that wades through my dreams,
Will truth be as vague, for light-years--it seems.
Tell me how long shall I succumb to this?
For life is nearly nothing without you.
And truth of all truths is: I STILL LOVE YOU. :)

"ambut"

Do you know that when you smile,
It gives me strength to suffice for the whole effing day?

When you say the simplest "thank you" for some Botany cheat,
It makes me feel like I'm the kindest nerd alive!

When you ask me things that, most often than not, don't involve you or me,
Meaningless as they may seem,
To me, they do make the most sense. ^_^

Do you know how much they so lure me into daydreams,
Of YOU and me, alone, together, in "genuine" conversation?

When you try to let me teach you,
When you make me feel like I'm your only hope...
I lose my nerve and say things I'm really not bound to say
And then I end up with the lamest lines, like...
"AMBUT." =p

Do you know that when blood rises up to your face to reveal how embarrassed you are,
I feel the same way, and at times even worse?

I don't know what these might mean
But perhaps the infatuation still is ALIVE.
And I don't know why it's YOU, of all people.
But I'm sure you ain't the wrong guy.
Perhaps you're just... WEIRD.

WEIRD, but CUTE. :)

just let me...

It's not a matter of YOU or HIM...
Of being inlab or just being tuliro...
Of friendship, or just dreaming of having one...
Of illusions, or of false hopes
Of being happy, or of being hurt
Of LOVE or of indifference.

It's about anticipating everyday for a mere glimpse
Of my self-destined source of inspiration...
Of wanting to explore the world in a different light,
Of transcending the old "me" for the one good reason that there is:
BECAUSE YOU MOVE ME.

I could forever love you from afar,
Wander with you all my life on my daydreams,
And be overwhelmed with your presence...
Yet, let it all be in silence.

Feed my sanity with all your greatness.
Nourish my existence with all that you are.
Just let me adore you, that's all I ask of you.


"Now I know love exists, 'cause you're standing right next to me..." :)

ninja turtle

Do you know how hard it is to see you everyday, and pretend to criticize everything there is about you, yet still adore you at the same time?
Oh, the irony of it all--the absurdity of this so-called "emotional bliss"--makes it all the more magical.
And it's all because of YOU.

YOU and your Squirtle-like self, walking in through the hallways like some polar-bear-turned-supermodel with glimmering shades that seem uncanny for such a cloudy day! (Like, where's the sun, pare? :D)
YOU and your oh-so-damp sweatmarks soaked all around your armpits after a whole day of moving exams! (eew, mag-tawas ka naman dude! Bwahah!)

Your ever-refillable coffee tumbler,
Your lunchbox-ful of chalk,
Your sumo wrestler physique,
Your red-red-wine music,
Your bulky beads and bulky bag,
Your unpreparedness...

YOU, YOU, YOU!!
Drive me insane, pade. :D

gelatin

Tuwing ang tinig mo'y pagal at pumipiyok-piyok na
Sa labis na kakabulalas ng "imbento" mong mga storya,
At habang sampu ng iyong tropa'y tila ba nalunod na
Sa kakornihan dulot ng di-paawat mong komedya,

Sa bawat katiting ng KABABAWAN
Na ikaw (at ikaw lang! ^_^) ang may pakana,
Lahat ng iyo'y naririnig niya.

Tuwing ang 'yong mga mata'y biglang didiklap nang walang dahilan
At mga labi mo'y huhubog ng ngiting sadyang nakakatunaw,
At tuwing dagliang uusbong ang taglay mong "kakisigan"
Na tila tanging nakatanto'y ako (at ako lamang! ^_^),

Sa bawat bahid ng KASAGWAAN
Tuwing ika'y magpapa-kyut na parang ewan,
Lahat ng iyo'y kanyang namamasdan.

Buti pa siya, nakakasama ka,
Nakaka-inuman ka, nakaka-jamming ka,
Nasasambitan mo ng jowk at ng pamatay mong mga bola.

Ba't ba kasi parating SIYA, at siya na lang?!

Pwede bang kahit one minute lang,
AKO naman?

overtake

Ha akon bangag nga huna-huna, aadi ka...
Naka-glue, naka-raysang, naka-Elasto Seal pa ngan ada.
Mapa-gab-i, mapa-adlaw, di ka gayud mawara-wara!
Pati pa ha pag-jebs, ikaw intawun tak nakikita. :D

An akon kahuna, tungud nak ha imu pagbaya,
Makakalimtan ka -- upud an TANAN nga may-ada kita,
Kasiring ko balitaw, inin pagtinangis mahuyu na,
Ngan matitigok na gihap, inin pamatay ko nga gugma.

Tak utuk may litik na, kay it adi ha sulud, purus ikaw nala,
Pati pa ha pagdamgu, ikaw nala pirmi it bida.
Akon bug-us nga pagkatawo, aadto, gindagit mo na,
Kulang na la igdekwat mo pa, pati tak panty ngan bra!

Pero kun aadi ka la yana, waray na unta problema pa,
Takay kun ikaw pakianhan pa, may mabubuhat pa ba kita?
Waray ! Waray na! Ayaw na himangrawa pa,
Kay di ka na hikikit-an pa, kun di ha INUP nala ada...

babay na...

yoko nang sabihin
nakakarindi na rin
alam ko naman kasing
hindi mo rin didinggin

ayoko nang magsalita
wala rin naming kwenta
bakit, para ano pa?
makikinig ka naman ba?

nakakapagod na kasi
nakakasawa
ayoko nang manatili pa
sa iyong mga drama!

ba't bigla kasing nag-iba?
mga tawa'y biglang nawala
mga jowk mo'y naglaho na
mga ngiti ko'y napawi na

siguro nga
hindi na
"tayo"
masaya
kaya

babay na…

"tayo"

elow??!
andyan ka pa ba?
tanong ko lang sana...
kung sa'n ka?
maari pa ba
akong sumama?

'lam mo kasi
medyo malabo na
"tayo"...

ewan ko, bakit nga ba?
meron pa ba?
di kaya'y
binawi mo na?

oo nga, magulo
pasensya na
schizo kasi
ako...

kasi nga
tuliro
kaiisip kung ano
nga ba
"tayo"...

nakaka-miss...

Mga jowk mong gasgas na't
sandaang beses nang inulit,
na ni minsa'y di nagsawang
sa aki'y muli pang isambit,
at noo'y laging sinabayan
ng halakhak kong abot-langit,
habang patuloy pang bumubuhos
ang "korni" mong mga hirit! ^_^


(ba't ba lagi kang ganyan?
kahit kelan puro biro!
lahat na lang puro "trip"!
lahat na lang puro loko!
akala mo ba'y nakakatuwa
ang ma-miss ka nang ganito?!)