Bato na tak heart.

I feel like I’ll be one of those people who’d always end up wanting what they could never have. And it has nothing to do with having some sort of standard or tendency to fall for the same type of guy. Somehow it just f**king happens. It’s like when it’s there, you have no power over it and you just allow yourself to feel the pain over and over.

And I’m not even sure if I like the feeling at all, or if I just like the feeling I have when I’m able to write about it. I feel like Taylor Swift right now. (lol)

I know, though, that I’m not the only person who has been through the same mistake and never learned from it. And in this case, I tried going with the flow and acting vulnerable, for a change. But that’s the thing. It was all just an act. None of it was f**king real.

I wonder if, of all the things he said, he meant at least one of them. I mean, how could someone do that? People like him don’t deserve anything positive in their lives, including an emotional connection with anyone. I know it’s bitter and I know that we should see the best in people, but what the hell. He deserves whatever heartache he’s having right now. And I hope it lasts long.

Now moving on from the bitterness, I actually feel relieved. It’s like I see things clearly now and the things that mattered most to me before any of this had ever happened are of utmost importance to me now. Guess I really am happier when I’m alone. No unnecessary distractions. No need to think of somebody else’s feelings and all that shit. Not having to care is probably the best feeling ever. And I’m glad I got it back before anything shittier than this could happen. Ika nga sa lyrics nung isang kanta: “I feel so free… It’s like a fantasy.” (lol)

Whatever the reason for this is, thank you na rin. As for me, bato na tak heart. I don’t think I can feel anything for anyone else anytime soon. But as always, time heals all wounds. And this, for lack of better words, is just some f**king superficial wound.

Cheers to a restart! ;)

Never again

Eto na siguro yung moment na sasabihin ko sa sarili ko na "Tama na." Like for real.

I cannot live like this anymore. Where my outlook in life depends on whether or not he has time, and where I'm defending him to everyone, as if I have some sort of responsibility to do so. It's crap and I know it, but I chose to ignore it. So again, TAMA NA.

He doesn't like you. He only likes the attention he gets from you. And you know deep in your heart that that is not what you want. You deserve better. You can do better.

But thank you for inspiring me. It was the only thing you did right. Maybe that was your purpose.

I'm not going back to overthinking and overanalyzing. Because no matter how smart I think I am, this is one of those things that I am incapable of comprehending, maybe ever. At tanggap ko na yun. 

Something is clearly wrong with me, and I know how to deal with it, but I choose to be stupid every f**king time. Then again, I can't be chasing things that aren't meant for me. Life is short. Fight for the things you love, but only if they're worth fighting for. 

#charot

Preemptive supalpal

If my analysis is correct, I have what RB calls the "auto-friendzone feature", a.k.a. "a pang-tropang girl trapped in a pang-syotang body". (Lol. Wasak!)

And with what has happened of late, ika nga sa fave kong 90's song: "I opened up my eyes and I saw the sign." ;)

Maybe I really was stupid. When it comes to things like this, I just never, ever learn.

And I won't even bother asking. Bottom line is none of it meant anything. And whatever that was, I don't think I care anymore. Who am I to care anyway, right?

I know this to be true, though:

"I am not a stop along the way. I am a destination." ;)
- Blair Waldorf

So ICYMI, I'll be back to my old pointy life, and I won't bother trying again (until further notice, lol). For now, I'm going to suffer in silence. And then I'll be back -- with abs! 

Meanwhile, to the object of my 11-week crush, thanks for the entertainment. Hope you're happy (but not really).

Byeeee, for real! :)

*hibernate mode*

I am so ripped.

"The future that we hold is so unclear... but I'm not alive until you call."

Or text. Whatevs. :p

Seriously, I don't know what to think anymore. All I know is this has to stop, or else I won't ever have the strength to do the right thing. (Charot.)

I was perfectly fine playing the depress-depressan drama when you didn't greet me first thing on my birthday. (Nag-eexpect kasi, lol.) I even tweeted, para feel na feel.

Ang OA ko rin eh noh. Hahaha. Anyway, that should have been the perfect ending to this tragedy. But you just had to ruin it, by making me smile again. (Charot.)

(I'm not 29 yet, by the way. He just thought it was funny because he's corny like that. He once made an acronym for this common friend that we had, just to make fun of his complexion. What a jerk.)

He has no f**king clue what effect he has on me, so I just go and make him feel like I don't ever want to let him in -- because he can't, because it's not right, because he's my friend, and because he's so f**king perfect! 

I'd rather let him torture me with his absence than be close to him. He's been what I wanted him to be and I'm happy just being the "girl na friend", so can't we just stay that way forever? Whatever is wrong with being just friends?

We're not even close. We probably never will be. I'm used to it and I'm fine with it, because I thrive in the agony of not knowing. And you probably won't understand because you're amazing and sh*t.

Whatever. I don't know. All I know is, in the words of Radiohead:

"You're so f**king special... and I'm a creep." >_<

How do I unlike you?

What the what?!

When you say 'Bye' to him after one of those random conversations, and then you go to sleep and you get this first thing in the morning, and it hits something in you somewhere, you just know.

You won't give him any reason to leave you alone and you'll be overthinking about everything he says for the rest of your "friendship" until one of you just ruins "it".

Steven Yeun gets it. Whenever he sees someone he likes, he envisions every step in their hypothetical relationship until he gets to a point where he imagines their babies. 

Not that I imagine that with him, because I'm a cynic and I don't think I'll ever get to that point without thinking of a hundred worst case scenarios first... but come to think of it, he's got the height, and the complexion, and the facial features, so any girl would be lucky to have babies with him. Plus, he's a dork. Our babies could be geniuses! LOL

Anyway... Where was I? See? Overthinking. 

And it's not like we haven't known each other for years. It's not like he hasn't seen me embarrass myself a hundred times with my awkwardness. We are, after all, friends. Now I wonder if it was like this before and I was just so distracted to notice, or if it's different now, as I'd like to believe it is. Then again, why is he all of a sudden in the spotlight?

I know it doesn't mean anything, because I've met enough guys like him to know what he is. But despite that, I still want to read the random texts. I still want to know what he's watching. I still want to be asked if I've seen the latest Star Wars lightsaber. I still want to be the first to know what he's recently discovered about his fave TV shows, albeit all of them I've already known for years (because he's seriously THAT outdated, lolwth).

I want to be asked personal questions and then not answer them because we're not "close". I want to keep wondering what his face is like when he texts me "Good night." I want to keep making him feel like I want nothing from him when it's obviously otherwise. (Not obvious to him, but, you know.)

All I want is for him to be the mystery he's always been to me. And then, when I'm finally able to, just let him disappear from my life forever.

But then again... 

When you get this first thing on New Year's, and you hate him so much for calling you that... Oh, whatever.

How, oh how, do I ever unlike you? @_@